just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh god it's open bar.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
