Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I could fuck to npr.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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