Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
