The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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