Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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