She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
