yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
