just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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