I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
