my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sext me about skeletons
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
