Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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