Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
