the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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