I think I won the penis lottery.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
