when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
