Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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