your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
