idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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