Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
