I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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