Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
