she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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