I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
