dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
