So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
