my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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