The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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