It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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