Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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