Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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