whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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