she woke up with a sticky ear
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
