I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
