Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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