Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize