Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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