Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
