i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
