My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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