so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
