I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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