I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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