Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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