11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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