I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
