beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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