I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a search helicopter?!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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