Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
