my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
