I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
