the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
