I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
