My friends, they love my intelligence
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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