He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
