just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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