no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I AM VODKA MAN
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
