I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I touched a dick in church today
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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