you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize